“Holy Lambos, Batman”
“BAM” “BIFF” “POW” The following story is mostly true, and was seen played out just a few days ago in Montgomery County, MD.
Picture this: You are a Montgomery County police officer. You and your trusted Crime Fighting partner are cruising down Route 29 looking for some bad guys to bust. It’s been sort of a lazy morning so far. You and your partner are talking casually, but still aware of the area around you, looking for a possible crime in progress.
Up in front of your squad car, you are rolling up on a black Lamborghini roadster. As you move closer to this exotic automobile you realize that the Lambo has no license plate. Just some sort of winged creature painted where the tag should be. You hit the lights and siren. All of a sudden your partner exclaims “Holy Mackerel, it’s BATMAN”!!!
You and your partner walk forward on each side of the “Batmobile”. Standing abreast of the drivers’ door, you ask the driver for his license and registration, trying hard to stifle the snicker in your voice. The driver responds by saying that he must exit the vehicle to get to the passenger side to retrieve the registration, and the Maryland license plate.
You step back as the door opens. Out steps this huge, giant of a man dressed as “Batman”. He is towering over you. As the “Black Knight” swoops around the back of his “Batmobile”, cape flying regally in the air, your partner steps back. Never can be too sure with these wierdos.
As you are observing the registration, you ask, “OK Batman. What’s your real name?” Batman answers “Lenny”. (Damn, I was hoping for Bruce).
As the saga unfolds, the “Masked Crusader” explains that his real name is Lenny Robinson, and he is a Baltimore businessman. He is going to attend an event for hospitalized kids as part of a “Superhero Celebration” organized by the charity “Hope for Henry.”
“Lenny is a one-man operation and he is amazing and beautiful because he’s also doing this for free,” says Allen Goldberg, who founded the organization with his wife after the experience with their son Henry, whose rare illness left him hospitalized for long periods of time.
“When [Henry] was alive and hospitalized — for months at a time — we had to keep him entertained, so back in 2000, I bought the first ever portable DVD player,” says Goldberg. Henry watched a lot of Batman movies and cartoons so, after he passed away, they decided to give the same comfort and hope to kids whose circumstances land them in the hospital for extended stays.
The program’s gone from giving portable DVD players to kids to handing out iPads and throwing birthday parties for kids in the hospital on their special days. They even host those “Superhero Celebrations” at various hospitals throughout the year. Most superheroes are paid, but “Batman”(Lenny) does it for free.
“He comes across as Batman, he has the kind of gruff voice and he’s got the demeanor down and he holds himself erect like Batman,” explains Goldberg, adding “And he’s got the Lambo, which is pretty sweet, too.”
Mike Rosenwald from The Washington Post tagged along with “Batman” for one of his hospital visits. Mark posted the following:
Batman asked the nurses at the front desk whether there were any children who couldn’t come out of their rooms to see him. Assured that there weren’t, Batman headed back down to his Batmobile, followed by the mother of a baby girl with cancer and her healthy 4-year-old son, whose only goal in life at that moment was to see the Batmobile. When the boy saw the car, I thought his eyeballs were going to separate from his body.
Batman revved the engines and blasted the audio system – the Batman theme song. Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, Batman! He revved the engine some more. The little boy didn’t want to say goodbye, but his mom told him, “Batman needs to go fight the bad guys.”
The little boy cried.
“I want to go help him fight the bad guys,” he said.
His mom said, “You need to go help your sister fight cancer.”
Batman waved and sped away in his Batmobile!
— ——– —
Mark Hardigree, Jalopnik.com, interviewed Lenny by telephone. The Batphone rang and was answered “This is Batman.” Lenny is obviously amused by the attention, but it didn’t sound that important to him.
“I don’t do it to become famous, I do it for the kids,” Lenny told Mark. “They mean more to me than anything.”
And to prove it…… he had to cut this interview short. The reason? He had to take his niece to dinner.
— ——– —
Even though Lenny is amused at the media attention, his only goal is to entertain the hospitalized kids. He is so involved in what he does, that he is having a just-like-in-the-movies Batmobile being made at the cost of $250,000.00. It’s not ready yet. Wait until the police get a look at that monster tooling down the highway.
It is so refreshing, and heart warming, to see someone so unselfish of his time, and money, to help the children. GOD bless you, Batman.
Til we meet again.
FB 03/31/12
Bodily Functions at the Workplace
I informed all my readers when I started this Blog that it would cover all kinds of things that rattle around inside this brain of mine. It’s not a complex brain, actually kind of plain (and old), but it just may process information a little differently than yours.
I also stated, that the Blog would always make you think. Sometimes deep thoughts, reminders of your life, current events, or maybe just a chuckle or two. If you are not laughing half way through this Blog, it only means that you are not as sick as I.
We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, the following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn’t know where it came
from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your clothing.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing. or sitting, next to the farter, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
happen, Do Not Panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom
TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will notify that the stall
is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.
Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.
Til we meet again.
FB 03/24/12
Road Rage and What Causes It
I’m driving to work a few days ago. Cruising South on I-270. Got the cruise control set on 65 (the legal limit). My favorite big band CD is blaring out of my 8 speaker sound system. Left hand resting on the wheel, and the right hand finger-tapping to the music on top of the floor shift. The Eastern sunrise has that wonderful pinkish-orangeish-redish color that it gets on a cool, brisk winter morn. And I’m thinking, “all is right with the world”.
As my thoughts drift off to an early morning tee-time at some golf course, I glance in the left outside mirror, here comes a blonde driving a bright red M3 BMW. I sit up straight behind the wheel, square my shoulders, smooth out my hair and pony tail (more about that later), and place both hands on the wheel. Want to look professional, don’t ya know.
As the “Bimmer” slowly rolls by, I notice that the driver is not only blonde, but she is in her mid thirties, every hair in place, lightly applied makeup, and drop-dead gorgeous. My mind is starting to drift again, but trust me when I tell you, it’s not a golf course that I’m thinking about. Just when her right rear fender has cleared my left front fender, she swerves immediately into my lane, causing me to slam on the brakes, and steer to the right.
My heart is beating in my throat, palms are sweaty, brain is fuzzy, and then I hit the rib strips on the shoulder of the road, scaring the you-know-what out of me. Anger engulfs my body clouding my brain. I grip the wheel tightly, push the accelerator to the floor, and get the rear of that BMW squarely in my sights. I’m going to push her, and her $80,000 car off the road, and I don’t care what happens to either. How dare her do that to me? I’m going to get revenge!
Of course, I didn’t do the latter. Oh yea, I wanted to, but I didn’t. The motorists of today just can’t drive. They act as if they are driving the only vehicle on the highway. They tailgate, hog the left lane, don’t use turn signals, drive too fast in bad road conditions or too slow when it’s good, and haven’t the foggiest idea what a yield sign or stop sign means.
I’m sitting second in line at a stoplight. The car in front of me just can’t seem to wait for the light to change. (Must be late for the grand opening at the new WalMart, or happy hour at their local bar). They creep forward. They creep across the stop bar. They creep across the pedestrian cross walk. Creep, creep, creep. And when the light turns green, what do they do? Nothing. They just sit there. If you travel the highways and byways of our great nation as I do, then you know what I’m talking about. All of the preceding poor driving habits, happen every day.
I have decided to place names on the various drivers that we meet everyday:
CREEPY CRAWLER – See example above.
ROAD HOG – Don’t know which lane they want, so they drive in the middle.
ZIG ZAGGER – Drift left to right, right to left, like they forgot how to steer.
CURVE HATER – Cross the painted centerline on left hand curves, even blind curves on two lane roads.
NON-FOLLOWER – Pass you at the first opportunity, only to slow down in front of you.
MIRRORLESS – Changes lanes without looking, or caring. Everybody knows that mirrors are for shaving, or putting on makeup anyway.
TURNSIGNALESS – I don’t know which way I’m going, so why should you?
FIRST PLACE – Hurry, hurry, hurry. Switching lanes back and forth, Passing cars on the right and the left. Taking dangerous chances on each pass. GO, go, go. And when you get to your exit, guess who is the car directly in front of you.
And the worst: THE TAILGATER – Drive so close to your rear bumper, that not only can you not see their front bumper, license plate, or headlamps, but you can see the white knuckles grasping onto their steering wheel.
All of the above bad driving habits, make the rest of the considerate drivers, drive defensively 100% of the time. It makes the commute to work, or the leisurely Sunday drive with the family, less comfortable, and more of a chore.
They wonder why there is more and more episodes of “Road Rage” today. I can’t imagine why!
Me? I used to love to drive. Now, I just want to ride in the back of a fancy Lincoln, Caddy, or Benz, and let “Jeeves” worry about the traffic. Too bad I can’t afford too.
Til we meet again.
FB 03/18/12
A Little Humor
I’m working on many new blogs, but while doing research on several of the topics, I run across numerous funny articles, and jokes. Here is a short one to enjoy.
GOD CREATED MARYLAND and VIRGINIA
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, “Where have you been?”
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
“Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.”
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, “What is it?”
“It’s a planet,” replied God, and I’ve put life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a place to test Balance.”
“Balance?” inquired Michael, “I’m still confused.”
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
“For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.”
God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”
The Archangel , impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, “What’s that one?”
“That’s Maryland and Virginia , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from this area are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things”
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked,
“But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.”
God smiled, “Right next to Maryland and Virginia is Washington, D. C.
Wait till you see the idiots I put there.”
Hope you enjoy. See ya soon.
FB 03/18/12
“What If” at the Indianapolis Colts
What’s a fan to do? Peyton Manning’s rein as the premier quarterback at Indy, for more than a decade, may vanish in the next couple of days.
The deadline is March 8th. Will Peyton agree to a restructured contract and stay? Will owner Jim Irsay even make that offer, or just refuse to negotiate and Manning becomes a free agent? As fans, do we even want him to remain a Colt? Afterall, he is getting older and may be getting closer to his retirement.
Since Peyton’s neck surgery last September, we have watched him standing on the sidelines, watching as his world champion Colts lose game after game. If he stays with the Horseshoe, can he return to the quarterback position, and play with the same intensity, confidence, and ability that is the trademark of his career? Can he even throw at all?
Yes he can! A short choppy, 27 sec. video of Peyton throwing has popped up on You Tube. Practicing at Duke University, along with Dallas Clark, Austin Collie, and ex-Colt, Brandon Stokley, Manning is shown unloading some serious passes. The velocity and range appear good. Accuracy may be in question, but as with all quarterbacks, accuracy is sometimes only as good as your receivers. But, by golly, the man can still throw. What a relief.
Enter Andrew Luck, or maybe Robert Griffin III. Quite possibly the two best quarterbacks to enter the NFL, since Manning himself. Both should be first year starters in the NFL. Jim Irsay has said for months that the Colts will select Luck as their first round pick.
As Colt fans, what do we now? Keep Manning? Hey, he’s throwing, and he looked good in the short video. We all know that Peyton wants to remain a Colt. He has stated that fact, time and time again. So, Peyton stays, and Luck remains on the bench to learn from the master. If Manning gets hurt, or is not at his best during a game, we have a premier quarterback to step in and run the offense in a very similar way as Peyton himself. Maybe let Andrew start a few games to see what he’s made of. Afterall, he will be the future of the Indianapolis Colts.
Or………Scenario #2: Do we trade that first round pick for additional round picks to bolster our sagging, and aging, offensive and defense? There are quite a few NFL teams out there that are in need of a good quarterback. Redskins, Dolphins, Jets, and Chiefs, come to mind. Manning will need additional protection from the offensive line as he continues to rehab while playing the game he loves so much.
Or……….Scenario #3 (a very painful one): Draft Luck. Let Peyton go. I see this as being the way this will go down. Owner Jim Irsay will be looking forward towards rebuilding the franchise as they had to do in 1998-2000. Without Manning’s huge salary, the Colts will have a lot of money to spread around the league to obtain new, highly skilled players.
As we continue this saga, I am reminded of three other NFL quarterbacks that suffered nearly the same fate. Johnny Unitas of the Baltimore Colts, Joe Montana of the San Francisco 49s, and Brett Favre of the Green Bay Packers. Superior players that were adored, and admired by their fans. All three quarterbacks left their teams under different circumstances, but it was always extremely painful for the dedicated fans.
Peyton Manning. If he does get released by the Colts, we, as fans, must endure the pain and sorrow that will accompany the announcement. We must think with our brains, and not our hearts, and look forward to rebuilding this franchise into a leader again.
Lastly, we can only hope that wherever Peyton plays, it will be a team in the NFC. And maybe, just maybe, we may never have to face him as the opponent. I can honestly tell you, that if the Colts ever play against Manning, I will probably be rooting for his team. Sorry!
FB 03/04/2012
Deepest Respect for the Women of the World
As a man, I think that women are wonderful. They don’t think the way that we men do. Men tend to “shoot first”, and ask questions later. Patience. in most men, is NOT in our vocabulary. Women, on the other hand, are more analytical, usually more practical, and lean to be more thrifty.
Women bear the children of the world. Although sometimes hard to communicate with during pregnancy, they tend to have a sparkle in their eyes, and a glow that can’t be duplicated by any amount of makeup. They tolerate pain that men may endure one time, and then say “well, I’ll never do that again”. After bearing a child, and enjoying the miracle that only they can create, want to do it again. GOD bless them all.
BUT………..during child bearing years they must also endure the monthly curse. Men spend more time at work, drive the long way home, or frequent their favorite local watering hole, bar, or saloon. For at this time of the month, we don’t want irritate, agitate, or “Piss” them off.
If you don’t believe me, read the following letter to a manufacturer of feminine products:
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years
and I appreciate many of their features. Why , without the LeakGuard
Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding
or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down
the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be
your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I
can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a
little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I’m guessing you
haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type,
I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body.
Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be
transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly
with knife skills.’ Isn’t the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt
seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
customer’s monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know
about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our
intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You
surely realize it’s a tough time for most women .
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to
the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping
so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,
were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’
Are you f—— kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing
happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
mentioned above sound t he least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be
anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t
march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a
sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say
something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or
‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’,
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep.
Always. .
Best, (authors name withheld)
As I said previously, women are pretty, lovable, and generally smarter then us guys, but don’t ever make one angry.
Hug your lady today and say “thanks”.
FB 03/03/2012
UnderThisOldMansHat 