I’m half ready for retirement.  What I mean by that is, the brain wants to keep on working, but the body wanted to retire 10 years ago.

The brain is saying,  “Yahoo, let’s go”.  “Let’s party”.  “Let’s stay up ‘til 3, and get up at 5”.  “Come on, we’re not tired, keep going”.  “Drink another 5 hour boost, we’re good”.

And the body says,  “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?  I am tired, and I want to lie down and get some sleep”.

I think, when a man turns 50, he should be marched out into a field, shot dead, and left there to let the buzzards take him away piece by piece.  Unless you have the body of an athlete, or do a lot exercising, after 50 the body starts to turn against you.

Let me give you some examples:

• My wife says I’m getting hard of hearing.  She says that she has been telling me this for several years.  I heard her yesterday.
• I call her my wife, because I sometimes can’t remember her name.
• I have to check my driver license for my own name at times.
• I bought some pills, or maybe they were capsules, to help my memory.  The ad said they would help with memory loss.  And they may, if I knew where the heck I put them.
• I now have to carry 3 pairs of glasses.  1 pair for up to 2 feet.  Another pair for 2 to 6 feet.  And still another, for 6 feet to infinity.  I’m forever grabbing the wrong pair.  I need to color code them.
• I get out of the Laz-y-boy and go into the kitchen to get……What? Stand there a few moments.  Don’t know.  Back to the Laz-y-boy and sit down.  Gotta pee.  Oh yeh, I was headed for the bathroom, not the kitchen.
• Driving to work the other day on a dual lane divided highway.  Everybody seems so friendly today.  They all blow their horns as they pass by.  I wave and toot back.  Then this guy in a big 4 wheel drive pickup pulls along side and lays on his horn.  I look over and he flips me the bird.  WHAT THE H***!  I look at my speedometer and I’m driving 10mph under the speed limit, and my left turn signal is still blinking.
• I live in an old Victorian style house with 14 steps from the porch to the sidewalk area.  I rest when I get to the bottom to grab the mail.  Sometimes, I rest ½ way back up.
• I’m losing hair where I should have hair, and growing hair where I shouldn’t.  My forehead keeps getting taller and taller.  Won’t be long  before it’s all the way back to the crown of my head.
• Why do I have hair growing from my ears?  I didn’t have any there for the first 50 years. ??????????
• My chest hair fell out.  Didn’t have any until my late teens.  I was proud of my chest hair.  I watched it turn from blonde, to brown, to gray.   One day I looked and they were gone.  ALL THIRTEEN OF THEM!!!!!!

I decided to buy a bicycle to get some exercise.  This will be great, I thought.  The first city block was easy (it was all downhill from my house).  Heh Heh, no pedaling.  I rode a few more city blocks.  I’m smiling and waving to neighbors and friends sitting on their front porches.  And I’m thinking to myself, you people are sitting there getting fat and lazy, and me……..I’m going to be fit as a fiddle.  Rode a few more blocks and decided that I’d better head back to the house.

Rode a different route back so I could wave at more people.  Everything was fine.  This is great.  I’m really going to enjoy this.  And then……I came to the hill 1 block from my house.  I shifted in to the lowest gear and started up the grade.  The first 20 to 25 feet was OK, and then my legs started to ache.  The next 20 to 25 feet, I’m starting to pant.  The next 10 feet, or so, I’m standing up pumping the pedals.  My breathing is getting more rapid, my heart is racing like an out of control freight train, my face is flushed, and I’m feeling faint.  I stopped.

I stood beside my beautiful new bicycle trying to regain my strength.  I had to sit on the curb for fear that I was going to fall over.  I sure hope none of the neighbors pass by.  I think I’m dying here.  I swear, I can see my heart beating against my chest.  I just paid $379 for this piece of sh**, and it killed me the first time out.  Damn, I laid back on the grass.

After about twenty minutes, I was pretty much back to normal.  I was still 200 feet from the house.  As I pushed, not rode, the bicycle up the rest of the hill, I thought, what the heck were you thinking.  You are too old for this kind of punishment.

I pushed that killer piece of machinery across the sidewalk, into the yard, and to the front porch.  I gave it a shove under the porch, and it flopped on its side.  I hope it rusts to death.  I haven’t seen it since.

To those of you reading this blog under the age of 50, now you know just what you can look forward to.  For those of you over 50, and you haven’t already fell asleep, then you know what I’m writing about.

Sweet dreams.

Til we meet again.

FB   05/20/12