I’m driving to work a few days ago.  Cruising South on I-270.  Got the cruise control set on 65 (the legal limit).  My favorite big band CD is blaring out of my 8 speaker sound system.  Left hand resting on the wheel, and the right hand finger-tapping to the music on top of the floor shift.  The Eastern sunrise has that wonderful pinkish-orangeish-redish color that it gets on a cool, brisk winter morn. And I’m thinking, “all is right with the world”.

As my thoughts drift off to an early morning tee-time at some golf course, I glance in the left outside mirror, here comes a blonde driving a bright red M3 BMW.  I sit up straight behind the wheel, square my shoulders, smooth out my hair and pony tail (more about that later), and place both hands on the wheel.  Want to look professional, don’t ya know.

As the “Bimmer” slowly rolls by, I notice that the driver is not only blonde, but she is in her mid thirties, every hair in place, lightly applied makeup, and drop-dead gorgeous.  My mind is starting to drift again, but trust me when I tell you, it’s not a golf course that I’m thinking about.  Just when her right rear fender has cleared my left front fender, she swerves immediately into my lane, causing me to slam on the brakes, and steer to the right.

My heart is beating in my throat, palms are sweaty, brain is fuzzy, and then I hit the rib strips on the shoulder of the road, scaring the you-know-what out of me. Anger engulfs my body clouding my brain.  I grip the wheel tightly, push the  accelerator to the floor, and get the rear of that BMW squarely in my sights.  I’m going to push her, and her $80,000 car off the road, and I don’t care what happens to either.  How dare her do that to me?  I’m going to get revenge!

Of course, I didn’t do the latter.  Oh yea, I wanted to, but I didn’t.  The motorists of today just can’t drive.  They act as if they are driving the only vehicle on the highway.  They tailgate, hog the left lane, don’t use turn signals, drive too fast in bad road conditions or too slow when it’s good, and haven’t the foggiest idea what a yield sign or stop sign means.

I’m sitting second in line at a stoplight.  The car in front of me just can’t seem to wait for the light to change. (Must be late for the grand opening at the new WalMart, or happy hour at their local bar).  They creep forward.  They creep across the stop bar.  They creep across the pedestrian cross walk.  Creep, creep, creep.  And when the light turns green, what do they do?  Nothing.  They just sit there.  If you travel the highways and byways of our great nation as I do, then you know what I’m talking about.  All of the preceding poor driving habits, happen every day.

I have decided to place names on the various drivers that we meet everyday:

CREEPY CRAWLER – See example above.

ROAD HOG – Don’t know which lane they want, so they drive in the middle.

ZIG ZAGGER – Drift left to right, right to left, like they forgot how to steer.

CURVE HATER – Cross the painted centerline on left hand curves, even blind curves on two lane roads.

NON-FOLLOWER – Pass you at the first opportunity, only to slow down in front of you.

MIRRORLESS – Changes lanes without looking, or caring. Everybody knows that mirrors are for shaving, or putting on makeup anyway.

TURNSIGNALESS – I don’t know which way I’m going, so why should you?

FIRST PLACE – Hurry, hurry, hurry.  Switching lanes back and forth,  Passing cars on the right and the left.  Taking dangerous chances on each pass.  GO, go, go.  And when you get to your exit, guess who is the car directly in front of you.

And the worst:  THE TAILGATER – Drive so close to your rear bumper, that not only can you not see their front bumper, license plate, or headlamps, but you can see the white knuckles grasping onto their steering wheel.

All of the above bad driving habits, make the rest of the considerate drivers, drive defensively 100% of the time.  It makes the commute to work, or the leisurely Sunday drive with the family, less comfortable, and more of a chore.

They wonder why there is more and more episodes of “Road Rage” today.   I can’t imagine why!

Me?  I used to love to drive.  Now, I just want to ride in the back of a fancy Lincoln, Caddy, or Benz, and let “Jeeves” worry about the traffic.  Too bad I can’t afford too.

Til we meet again.

FB   03/18/12